Death Becomes Her

Few people know that I'm terrified of dying. Those who know are surprised; I mean, isn't that what horror writing is all about?

As a child, imbued with faith from regular church attendance, vacation Bible school, and the fervency of extended family, there was no doubt in my mind about the existence of God and heaven and life-ever-after.

Now, I'm just not sure. I certainly still believe in the concepts of good and evil; I mean, without them I'd have nothing to write about. I'd like to think that after I die there will be something to continue into, but I no longer have the faith that exists in the absence of proof.

And it's that thought--that after I go there will be nothing more--that scares me. I feel like I have so much more to learn and see and contribute, that I'm working against some invisible clock that's counting down to my own personal UN-eternity.

So maybe all of this is what drew me into horror, and continues to draw me to seek out information on the evil that people do, and the amazing complexity of the human body and spirit. And, of course, death.

Over the years I have drifted from obsessions with concepts in books, movies, and television on all of these topics. My most recent was the idea that as the warriors of God, angels are probably not always the white-light soft-winged vision of loveliness we depict them to be (in fact, I haven't given up this obsession, I'm planning a book of short stories around it). But now I've become interested in how we (and by "we" I mean you all, because I haven't run across many other people like me who aren't okay with the concept of dying) view death. I ordered the Six Feet Under series on Netflix and plowed through it, hoping for some epiphany that would make me realize "it happens, and it's okay."

Loved the series. No epiphany.

Now I'm loving Pushing Daisies, which approaches the idea from a much more lighthearted place, but is still witty and edgy about the whole thing.

Love the show. Still not okay with the dying thing.

But all of the fretting and research and self-examination at least has allowed me to explore my fear. Not just about death, but about other things that scare me, albeit to a lesser degree. And from some of that comes amazing inspiration for my writing.

So I guess it's not all that bad. In the end..

Welcome to 2007

A new year means new promises and new possibilities. I'm not going to waste my first words of 2007 on skeptical musings on the likely outcome; for me, 2007 is a year of hope and potential and new beginnings. I hereby resolve:

1) To BE MORE POSITIVE. If I can change something that I don't like, I will change it. If I can't change it, I will find out who can. If there is nothing to be done, I will move on.

2) To WRITE. This means not letting the craziness of my day serve as an excuse. Writing is hard, but the results are worth it. A couple of years ago my resolution was to write a story a month and then shop them around for publication. My goal this year is less formal, but at the same time a bit more rigorous: by the end of the year, I will have my short story collection or a novel finished.

3) To BE GENTLER. I can't take credit for this one; it's something my friend Kelly set as a goal for herself a few weeks ago. I actually wrote it on a Post-It note and put it in front of my computer to remind me to remind her, but found that just seeing and thinking about those words had a calming effect. Life is better when you take the time to appreciate yourself and those around you.

And that's it. Of course that doesn't mean there aren't other things I'm working on, like eating better and exercising more and keeping in better touch with my friends, but I think all of those daily things benefit from a more positive overall outlook, and that confidence comes from knowing that I'm making active strides toward being the person and writer I want to be.

WHC 2006, part 2

Well, with a couple of long nights of sleep under my belt I'm on my way back to normal (or, as normal as I get). The rush from WHC this past weekend had me seeking out other conventions to "get my fix." Unfortunately, WorldCon (scifi) is during the exact days the L-Mates are coming to visit, and HorrorFind is that same month and would tax my already-generously-allocated vacation time for the summer.

Sigh.

I was relieved, however, to see that a) I was not as far behind in my screenplay as I had thought and b) I still liked it. My extra motivation to get it done by the June 23 fellowship deadline is that there are a couple of fiction submission deadlines at the end of June that I just might stress myself out by trying to meet.

What's life without a little drama, right?

One of the other wonderful gifts WHC has given me is a refreshed perspective. And it couldn't have come at a better time. As the people around me have been living in crisis mode for the past few weeks, I felt myself slowly succumbing to the unnecessary and tiring stress of it all. As I've wavered about what I want to do and how I want to divide my time between job and career (writing) and playing competitive ultimate and working on home & garden renovations, I've found myself too dispirited to tackle any of it.

Now that I realize what's important (it's just a day job, writing MUST come first; ultimate will always be around without having to sacrifice every weekend and some week days; and home/garden activities should be viewed on a project basis and not some overwhelming , immediate aesthetic), I can move on with my original goals.

• Finish the screenplay and apply for the fellowship by 6/23.
• Go back to work on the collection of short stories.
• Go back to work on writing and submitting and submitting again while writing some more.

I'm not sure it gets much better than that.