What's In A Name?

The other half of my writerly "awakening" this weekend was a book release and book signing party on Friday night. My story "Crawlspace" is one of thirteen in an anthology of Scary Stories and the publisher threw a bash at a club in Hollywood.

The whole experience was exciting and otherworldly. I held a book in my hands with my story and my name attached to it. We writers milled around to meet each other, thinking we might be in the company of a Next Great Author. When it came time to sign each other's copies, it was no big deal--like passing a note to a friend or sending a memo to colleague (well, a bit more exciting than that!)

When it came time to sign my story for other people, though, it felt..WEIRD. I mean, there was my name, like I signed it on my checks to pay my bills, except that it was in this book that this person was going to take home and read. It was like some part of me was leaving for good, leaving to go home with this perfect stranger who'd be reading my words and seeing my name and thinking "I met her."

I wondered if I should add a flourish to my signature, or think of a catch phrase to tack on to every signing. When I encountered someone who actually wanted me to sign his copy "To XXX" I was completely flustered.

Who do you people think I am?? I wanted to cry out.

But I thought about it, thought about all of the times I got an autograph from a writer or actor or musician to take home with me and say "I met him/her." Some little piece of that person that made me feel connected.

And that's what writing and the creative arts are all about: making a connection.

So I don't need to change how I sign my name, or write some original bon mot--that would distance me from the reader and from my writing and from my true self. And I'm doing this to make that connection, and making connections can be tough.

So with each book I sign (and I hope there are more to come), I can only hope to become more comfortable with giving away a little piece of me. After all, the story's already out there...

Finding Your True Self

I'm not even sure where to begin.

This weekend I attended the Horror Writers Association annual conference and Bram Stoker Awards banquet. I volunteered for the event, even though I'm just barely eligible to be a member, because I wanted to see if I was on the right path--to see what these people were all about in person.

I loved them.

Even the slightly disillusioned or downright bitter ones. The oddly upbeat ones, the Goths, the ones that in sci fi circles might be viewed as head geeks. Because we share something that is bigger than anything the world can throw at us or hold against us--

the need to delve into the darkness and bring part of it with us back into the light.

There's nothing more gratifying than being around a group of people as talented and self-deprecating as the company I kept this weekend. I felt at home; like these people understood and accepted me, and I them. More so than any other writing gathering I've attended, I felt these people got it, and they weren't going to look askance at me for talking about the love I have for all that is slightly weird, somewhat off, or downright grotesque. I hadn't read most of their writings, they certainly hadn't read mine, but there was a level of mutual respect that transcended resumes, credits, and titles on business cards.

I spent so much time socializing and helping behind the scenes I only attended a few sessions. But David Morrell's writing seminar gave me two great gems with which to roll forward:

1) Understanding the nature of me. We talked specifically about the Meyers-Briggs personality "test" and how Introvert vs. Extrovert are defined. When I last took the test I was borderline Introvert/Extrovert, favoring the Introvert side. But I can talk and socialize with the best of them, so I didn't quite see how that was right, until we talked about personal preferences and how social interactions make you feel. And then it all became clear.

I do loathe the phone. I do hate interruptions when I'm in the middle of inspiration. I do find better energy in being alone, and feel drained at the end of lengthy social interactions. And although occasionally I feel the need to get out and make contact with the real world, I feel most comfortable in the world I create around me and in my head.

2) Exploring the other side of daydreams. Morrell said those fantasies we have about sitting on the beach sipping frosty beverages may point to where we'd like to be, but what we need to explore are those places we don't want to go--those darker daydreams/thoughts/what if?
scenarios we may be tempted to squelch or try to dispel with a shake our heads, hoping they fall off or drain away and leave us normal and whole again.

So today I'm spending time with me. I think about returning to these people next year, ready to share more of me and my writing. And I've sketched out a story based on an odd incident that happened this morning--a dark daydream/what if scenario.

I believe I've found my comort zone and my kin. I look forward to forging a strong path through the rest of what so far has been my groundbreaking year.