First Day Jitters

Today I start my new job. I'll be working part-time as an Admin. Asst. at a psychology graduate school/family counseling center. The people seem nice, the benefits are great for a part-time job, I have a minimal commute, and the everyday stress should be low.

So why am I so nervous?

Last night I had dream after dream about not being able to sleep (!). Then I had a nightmare about missing my appointed time to go in and fill out HR paperwork.

What's the deal?

The first, and overwhelming explanation is my Type A personality. I like to know things and how to do things. I like to be of service to people. I like to know I'm making things better. I hate feeling stupid or embarrassed. Hard to avoid *all* of these when you're entering an environment with new people, new procedures, and new skill sets, though, isn't it?

The other reason is related, but has only begun to rear its ugly head recently. That one can best be described as the pre-midlife crisis. I think it hits all of us at some time in our 30's, when we wonder what we've done up to this point, where we want to be, and how we're going to get there. I hate the thought that in 5 - 10 years I might look back on my attempts to survive financially and work on my writing career as "wasted." Either because I was working at the wrong things to feed my creative flow, or because the writing thing won't pan out and I could have been working harder at some other career and gained satisfaction that way.

All of that self doubt comes full circle to the type of person I am. Hardest on myself, with unreasonable expectations of what I can do and in what timeframe. Don't get me wrong; drive is good. But driving myself and those around me insane is not.

Perhaps the new job can help me deal with some of those issues..

Fashion Foibles

Few things plague us big-bottomed women as much as the Visible Panty Line. We grow artful over the years at finding subtle ways of hiding/transforming our asses into something more akin to what we see shaking on TV commercials, magazine ads, etc. Most of us have friends who know our woes and, despite the idea that we're all out to get each other because of the paucity of men, we do help each other out when we can.

So it was distressing to me to see a woman in line ahead of me at a restaurant with not just a big VPL, but the Mother of All VPLs. She was not by herself; she had a friend (female) with her. She was wearing black vinyl-type pants (and I could go on and on about how that in itself is a no-no for the rear-endowed) and the panty line was so severe that it separated her cheeks in half. Every time she moved, you were mesmerized by the unfortunate jiggle of her two lower ass quarters.

Clearly her friend was no friend. Or she didn't look at this woman's ass and warn her. Or perhaps she did, and the woman was in denial. But clearly this woman didn't follow rule number one: turn around and check yourself out in the mirror (this includes walking to and from the mirror to see movement).

Women everywhere already know the clothing industry is against us (all of us). The sizes are arbitrary and if you're shopping for pants, there are too many "fits" to mention (or comprehend, or have time to try on). Lingerie is ridiculously expensive, and it's taken all of these decades for someone to finally decide to work on panties that don't leave an unsightly line?? Diaper technology has advanced more quickly! Why are women always last?!

And don't mention thongs. If you think a VPL is bad, wait until you can make out the dimples and folds of a big, bare bottom through fabric. Ugh.

It's time for all of us ladies with "back" to get ours. Stores should get out the measuring tapes and give away VPL-less panties to all women who do not fit the current supermodel mold/measurements. I guarantee there'd be some rethinking then..

Short Stories on Film

Last night I went to an indie film fest and watched a friend's short film as part of a set of other short films. It was interesting to see how different people envisioned the path to telling a short story. All but one were pretty dark, and my husband commented that with such a small amount of time it might be easier to explore the pathos side of drama.

At the end of the session we were supposed to take our "voting" cards and rank each movie on a scale from "Poor" to "Great." I had a tough time. Not because I felt any artistic loyalties to these strangers (except for my friend Frankie, although for the others I can appreciate how difficult it is to have someone sit and rank your vision), but because I would have ranked them differently in different categories: visuals, innovation, acting, storytelling.

Seeing those ideas on screen made me realize how important the story is to making an impact in a short amount of time. Film is different, of course, because you might have a visual that sticks with you long after the gist of the tale has flown, but what if your goal as a writer was to do both? To come up with a tale that could be retold, but also craft such strong scenes that they jump off the page and lodge in the mind's eye of your reader?

Thinking now of my favorite short stories and books, that would seem to be the key. Seems a simple and obvious enough concept, but the thing to remember is that it doesn't work for everyone. One of the movies I thought of as a no-brainer "Great," my husband didn't feel as strongly about. We talked about its flaws and strengths and I realized it really is what each viewer/reader brings to the art that makes the difference. I can't write for you and your enjoyment--I don't know you. I have to write for me and what amuses or scares me.

But I hope you enjoy the ride..