Tattoo Me

Well, I got my first (and probably last) tattoo yesterday (sorry for the blurry image; it's on my inner right forearm and I'm right-handed).

Why? Well I'm coming up on a milestone birthday (for me; not one of those rounded-off, nice-and-neat every 10 year dates they sell you on greeting cards) and I wanted to treat myself.

Honestly, it's been a wonderful and horrible year at the same time. I wanted the tattoo to reflect that; to reflect me and my writing, and serve as a reminder of what's important and how I can battle through.

And battle through I did. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but this was rough. The outlining wasn't bad at first, but near the end I felt like all of the nerves in my arm were at attention. Tolerable. But then the shading started. There are not words for how much control it took to keep my arm still. I caught myself clenching my other hand and looked up at the TV in the room. Didn't help. Concentrated on what she was doing to try and numb myself to the sensation. Didn't help. For those of you who haven't had a tattoo, or forgotten what it feels like, I'll make a feeble attempt to describe.

Imagine inserting the very tip of a knife into your arm and dragging it around and back and forth for 10-15 minutes. Now that everything's nice and ultra sensitive, think of the equivalent of a meat tenderizer with blades instead of those little nubby ends. Automate the meat tenderizer and apply it to your near-screaming flesh. Press, drag, repeat.

At one point I could feel various parts of the tattoo area going numb. Thank goodness, I thought, my body's natural defenses are kicking in. But it was fleeting. Apparently my body felt I needed to feel this.

For many reasons, I guess it was right.

I'm looking forward to the challenges of 2009. It's all I can do, really. Curling up into a ball like I was tempted to so many times this year is just not an option. And now I have my badge to remind me, every day, that you can break through to the other side of pain and find something beautiful waiting for you.