LA LA Land

I have solved the mystery of L.A. traffic. It's..[SPOILER ALERT] People.

Not sane, rational people like you and me.

It's the others. The ones that drive around with one ear and their full attention glued to their cellphones in conversations so fascinating and important that the real world and its life and death concerns must be placed on hold. It's also those people who, once again in a world of their own making, drive around in a daze. Perhaps they're imagining themselves winning an Emmy or an Oscar. Maybe they've set their sights lower--just a lead role in something, anything to get them noticed and on their way. I suspect some think Charlize Theron or Halle Berry have just dumped their men and are cruising the highways of L.A. looking for some rebound action. Maybe these two goddesses are even carpooling, and while out and about in some high-end convertible, they're testing the wind resistant properties of Victoria's Secret IPEX bra (demi-cup, of course).

Again, I can only guess this is what's going on, because at any given moment on any day in L.A., there's some yahoo driving well below the speed limit in every single lane of every highway. Hence the traffic.

For anyone who's never driven in L.A., you're probably questioning the "sane" and "rational" statement I made above. You are understandably confused by our assertion that there is no one rush hour here, and that traffic just appears out of nowhere at the most inexplicable times. You'll just have to believe us until you can experience the phenomenon for yourself.

In the meantime, for those of us too apprehensive about the characters hanging around the usual bus stops and too appalled by the inefficiency of the new orange bus line to use an alternative to driving, there are a few things we can remember in order to cope.

1) Normal traffic rules do not apply. In the land of freeways, you can not (safely) afford to be too far away from your exit lane. Pass on the right. Just do it. I know it's against your driver's ed training and your sense of what's just, but remember that it's you against the yahoos. They will not speed up and they will not move over (they can't, they're too busy gesticulating with no hands on the wheel).

2) If it starts raining, call in sick. Trust me, this one becomes painfully obvious pretty quickly. It's like a highway full of Chicken Littles in wet weather season.

3) Wear sunglasses. It's the law. Probably. Anyway, it helps you feel better about doing things you might not normally do (it's not you, it's your alter ego). Besides, it appears to work for everyone else on the road. Another plus is you can't see that guy flicking you off when you pass on the right.

If all else fails, you should try to enjoy yourself while you're stuck in traffic for several hours. Carry a collection of signs around with you. Things like "I'm on the line with your agent--we're working out a killer deal for you!" or "Do you need representation? I've done all I can for Matt D." or "Party tonight at Cameron and Justin's--call me for the details--555-ULOSE"

Ah, the symphony of screeching tires and crunching fender benders that will ensue. Remember rule #1 and you can probably avoid the worst of the resulting backup.

Just be careful in your antics. Some of the loonies carry guns.